Who Wears Short Shorts?

 

What comes to mind when you read the following sentences:

Dress code:

Guys: Knee High Tube Socks, Neon Tanktops, Headbands, Wristbands, ‘Fros and Flattops…

Ladies: Thighs of Steel on Two Inch Wheels, with Striped Short Shorts to seal the deal

That’s right, it’s “Down and Derby Roller Disco” time! 

Everyone knows how I’m always complaining about the lack of roller rinks left in the world, well, today something wonderful happened.  Today I discovered that this Saturday, for one night only, this club in Hell’s Kitchen is turning into the coolest little roller rink in town.  Okay, so it’s the only roller rink in town, but still…HOW GREAT IS THIS NEWS!?

BRING ON THE STORM OF THE CENTURY, come rain or shine, snow or sleet, we’re going skating.  We’re going DISCO SKATING.

I only have one teeny-tiny problem with this whole event, and it’s called “Striped Short Shorts”.  That’s just not happening.

Part 2: The South Continued

The second half of my trip was all about NASCAR.  Despite the fact that I am the most inappropriate person to go interview people about cars, I got really really excited when I stepped into the studios.

Unlike many of the people working on the set of our pilot shoot, these people were on top of their game.  6 editing suites, 4 sound studios, and a surprising number of normal, beautiful, intelligent women making things happen—who knew?  I’ll admit it, I thought I’d be dealing with a bunch of redneck hicks who spoke in car lingo, but I was totally surprised.  This studio rivaled any I’ve seen in LA or New York AND the people were NICE.  Actually, people were nice everywhere you went!  Imagine that?

So I started to analyze =the difference between a New York attitude and Southern hospitality.  New Yorkers are generally considered to be “mean” and “unfriendly” which I didn’t really understand until now.  New Yorkers aren’t actually mean and unfriendly, we’re simply more efficient.  If someone asks us for directions, we will respond very directly, “go 3 blocks that way, then make a left and the building will be on your right,” and then continue on our way.  No thanks needed.

In the South, when you ask someone for directions it turns into a conversation that somehow will involve anyone within a 500 foot radius.

For example, at the airport I spotted a Delta employee and went up to him and said, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the cabs are, and do you know if they take credit cards?”  Simple request, right?  Wrong. 

Suddenly, I’m surrounded by 5 very bored Delta terminal employees who have 5 very different answers.  Finally, one of the Delta employees asked me where I was headed, so I told him the name of my hotel and he actually said, “Girl, I’m headed that way, I’ll just drop you off.”  I’m not quite sure what my face looked like at this point, but I know I had to pick my jaw up off the floor so I could respond with, “But…but I don’t know you?”  Then I felt a hand on my shoulder--I turned and looked up into a very large black woman’s very pretty face.  She gave me a very comforting smile and said, “Honey, I know him, and he’s just fine!  Why waste your money, he’ll give you a ride.” 

Really?  Was I really expected to get into a car with a strange man from the Charlotte, North Carolina airport?  And what’s with all the touching?

So I said, “Oh, thank you so much, but my company pays for it anyway, but thank you.”

Finally, I managed to get away from them, went straight to the cab station, and got right into a strange man’s car and paid him $50 to take me to my hotel.  

PART 1: THE SOUTH

I am back from Charlotte and boy do I have stories to tell…but where to begin??  NASCAR?  The food?  The men?  The Southern hospitality?  The abandoned Phillip Morris factory?  So so much to talk about but I’ll discuss one thing at a time and I will start with the abandoned Phillip Morris Factory.

Now, you may not know this (I sure didn’t) but Charlotte, North Carolina is quite the little production center!  My company is shooting a pilot there and I had absolutely no idea there was a thriving TV/film community there.  Actually, I had no idea there even was a TV/film community there at all.  But I guess since NASCAR is headquartered there I shouldn’t be surprised.  Did you also know that parts of DELIVERANCE were filmed there?  Neither did I.

However, there seemed to only be one real sound stage to film in, so our little pilot shot in many real locations rather than a fake set.  One of those locations will give me nightmares for the next ten years.

The old abandoned Phillip Morris Factory.  2.2 MILLION square feet of cancer.  And that’s just in the main building. 

Apparently, when the factory was up and running employees were allowed to have a pack of cigarettes on them at all times, but only one pack.  Which they got free as a perk for working there.  But if they carried more than one pack, this was considered stealing.  Also…you could smoke on the job, anytime, anywhere. 

I wonder what kind of health plan they offered?

So we set up shop for the day at the factory, but as with any production there was plenty of down time.  So I decided to give myself a little tour, and my production assistant decided to follow me.  Actually, he decided he was going to follow me everywhere I went all day long.  Baby-Face is 21 and doesn’t look a day older than 12, weighs about 80 pounds, has some attempt at growing facial hair going on, and also happens to be the grandson of my sound guy.  I can’t really blame grandpa for giving this kid a job, but grandpa needs to put some fire under this kids butt--I’ve never seen anyone move SO SLOWLY.

Anyway, I couldn’t very well tell the kid to go away, so we went for a walk in some of the creepier sections of the factory.  This is when Baby-Face decides to ASK ME OUT.  “So…I have to ask…do you have a boyfriend?”  I turned and looked at him, mouth hanging open, “uhhhh…yes…yes, I have a boyfriend.”  Total lie.  “Oh…cause…well…I mean, if that doesn’t work out…I mean, how serious is it?”

FLOORED.  I was floored.  So I said, “You know I’m 37 right?”  His turn to be floored.  “I thought you were like 25!”  Ahhh, kids.  25 to him is OLD.  He recovered quickly and said “Well, that don’t matter to me, you’re really beautiful.”  Wow.  Why can’t grown men talk like that?  I said the only thing you can say in a situation like that, “Wow, I’m soooo flattered, that was a real ego boost, thank you.”

We continued on our little walk and I did my best to not make him feel awkward or rejected.  Finally we circle back to the rest of our crew.  I corner my line producer immediately and say, “you are NOT going to believe what just happened” and relayed the school-boy crush story to her…to which she responds, “You know he lives with his girlfriend, right?”

Of course he does.   

Gettin' All Country Up In Harrrr

Like I said in an earlier post, most of the time my job doesn’t suck, however, sometimes it sucks a lot.  I am headed to Charlotte, NC this weekend to interview a bunch of dudes about NASCAR.

If you know anything about me you would know that although I know how to drive a car (barely), I’ve never actually owned one.  I’m so oblivious to car brands that every time I rent a car, I lose it in the parking lot, or worse, I describe the car to the valet as, “I think it was white…with 4 doors.  Maybe.”

And like most people who live in NYC and LA, I have no real idea what the hell NASCAR even is.  But of course I have some preconceived notions that I will share with you now:

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #1: NASCAR is about a bunch of dudes riding around in circles for hours and hours without any purpose.

REALITY: Yes, this is true.  It’s a bunch of dudes, and sometimes a girl that looks like a dude (except this GIRL) that drive around in circles for hours and hours…except there does seem to be a purpose.  They win money.

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #2: No one actually watches NASCAR.

REALITY: It is the MOST WATCHED spectator sport in the United States!!

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #3: NASCAR fans are a bunch of trashy white dudes who sit around drinking beer and eating BBQ ribs while getting inappropriately excited about cars going around and around in circles for hours and hours. 

REALITY: NASCAR fans are 40% women!  And there are even 3 or 4 Hispanic and African-Americans that may show up once in a while.  And although, yes, some of the fans are less than desirable, most are kind of normal.  As normal as someone who has the patience to watch cars drive around and around in circles for hours and hours can be.

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #4: NASCAR guys are NOT appealing.

REALITY: There are some seriously hot dudes involved in this sport!   

So I’m going to get my Yankee Ass down to Charlotte and I’m going to flirt my little heart out with some cute NASCAR drivers.  If my office is dumb enough to send an idiot like me to NASCAR, well then you better believe I’m going to make the most out of that once in a lifetime experience.

The Truth About Comedians

Most of the time my job doesn’t suck.  As far as jobs go, I’m pretty lucky, and it’s a good one and it sends me all over the place and I interview various levels of celebrities.  Mostly b-list celebrities, but every once in a while I get a good one…like Rob Lowe who definitely did NOT suck, and Harrison Ford who sucked so bad.

Anyway, I flew out to LA yesterday (ahhh, the weather, so civilized!) and headed straight to a taping my company is doing of a bunch of famous comedians “hanging out and having a conversation” which is supposed to be funny.  There were a ton of familiar faces there like Kathy Griffith (where does that woman NOT show up, seriously??), Dave Attell, and Janeane Garofalo just to name a few. 

Now, if you went to college in the 90’s like I did, you may have an affinity for Janeane as she represented that whole grunge thing we were all doing at the time in a very cool way.  SHE was cool.  SHE was my hero.  SHE was different from the other girls.

Well…she is pretty much exactly the same, right down to her fashion sense.  Except for some odd reason I no longer find her incredible lack of enthusiasm charming, as a matter of fact, it was just plain draining.  Does this mean I’m OLD??  Does this mean that my teen-angst is completely gone, and I no longer hate “the man”?  Is it so wrong that I like “shiny, happy people”? 

The one highlight from last night is that I met Dave Foley, and if you know anything about anything 90’s, you would know that Kids in the Hall was basically the best thing on television that entire decade.  So I went right up to him and told him so.  And turns out, you don’t have to be a miserable, dark, awful person to be a funny comedian—you can be totally awesome, and happy and upbeat!  I found the unicorn of comedy!  Oh wait…he’s Canadian.  That explains it.

If I Had the Chance I'd Ask the World to Dance

There are few things in this world that are more awesome than bowling.  One of those things is bowling to 80’s music.  Oh yes, I know, you think you’re immune.  It’s overdone, that 80’s theme, and you’re over it…yet…when the music comes on, you can’t help but sing along because you know every single word to every single song. 

THIS IS YOUR TIME. YOUR TIME, DOWN HERE.  Okay, okay, I’m getting a little carried away.  But only a little.

Last night I headed over to good old Williamsburg, Brooklyn to the best bowling ally in the city, and it was 80’s night. The night started out perfectly, they not only played 80’s music, but they played the old music video that went with it.  Mostly this involved Axl Rose screaming “welcome to the jungle” two inches from the camera and Men At Work singing about vegemite sandwiches, but glorious nonetheless.  During one perfect moment while The Final Countdown was playing, I bowled a strike that was timed PERFECTLY with the music, my friends cheered, I ran back to them victorious, my friend lifted me up on his shoulders, the crowd went WILD!  Then we took turns performing 80’s movie dance montages.  After that someone broke out some salt-n-papa dance moves (and by someone, I mean me).  And then after that…they turned off the videos and some incredibly bizarre wedding band/80’s cover band got on the stage and mutilated a prince song.

It was as if someone dragged a needle across a record.  Everyone stopped.  Everyone stared.  Everyone looked around…noticed the almost empty dance floor with disco lights flying across it.  Wait.  Are WE in an 80’s movie right now?  And did this place just turn into a roller rink??  But as with anything, the more you drink, the better it gets, and boy, did it get good.

I was transported back in time to 8^th grade.  And it was perfect.

And just in case you’re thinking, “hey, isn’t this blog about weight loss?”—is there any better way to lose weight than to bowl and dance to 80’s music?  Yes, probably, but is it more fun?  No, definitely not.

One Man's Garbage Is Another Man's....

Anyone who has lived in New York has mixed feelings about snow.  At first you are SO EXCITED for something other than cold.  And a blizzard, well, that’s some serious excitement.  Turns out it was two feet’s worth of excitement and it completely SHUT DOWN this wonderful city of ours.

I always find it fascinating when the flow of the city is so dramatically interrupted, because inevitably there are those unlucky few who refuse to believe this is actually happening.  Like cab drivers and the desperate few who are brave enough to get in them. 

And I love love love that I don’t own a car.  Of course in the summer, I am viciously jealous of these people, but hey, today…it’s my day. 

But the most interesting part about snow and New York City is that almost immediately the beautiful blanket of white snow turns into a disgusting slushy mess and they stop picking up the garbage.  A week later, temperatures rose to 50 degrees, the snow melted, and what remains are mountains and mountains of garbage. 

And today, a young Mr. Vangelis “Angelo” Kapatos attempted to jump 9 stories from his rent-controlled apartment to his death…and instead landed in a pile of garbage and was saved.

Garbage 1: Suicide Attempt 0