COSTA RICA HERE I COME!

So I managed to lose a good 7 pounds before my Costa Rica trip, but unfortunately, I spent this whole weekend piling it all right back on.

Birthdays and weddings will do that to you.

However, I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow at 6am and plan on hiking all those pounds right back off.

Be back in a week...maybe.

I finna try

I really believe the universe senses your troubles and occasionally has a tiny bit of mercy on you and sends you a brief moment of happiness.  Don’t get me wrong, 99% of the time the universe is a real bitch, but today, for a tiny little second, she has been kind to my utterly pathetic hung-over self.

This has been a rough morning.  Last night involved vodka, then beer, then more vodka, then pasta with vodka sauce, all in that order.  That whole thing with the “beer before liquor, never sicker” is true.  But worse than that, I woke up at 3am and have been up since.

So as I was sitting at my desk this morning, my last day of work before vacation, staring numbly at facebook, this little gift popped into my inbox.

You’re welcome.

Summer Lovin' Here I Come

One week from today I will be on a beach in Costa Rica and I am counting down the seconds to freedom!

This winter has been brutal and it's slowly destroying my soul.  But I do have some good news!  Despite the fact that I haven’t really centered this blog on weight loss even though that’s what I said I would do, I am down to a weight I haven’t been since 2001!  And I cannot wait to eat my way back to fatness after this trip is over!  I kid, I kid, I will not do that (maybe), but still, there are moments when I walk by McDonalds and want to go inside and order a 20-piece chicken nugget meal...or two (don’t judge me). 

I haven’t eaten at McDonalds in years, but I have to walk by the damn place every single morning and it smells so damn good it hurts.

I also walk by this total scammer who is parked outside of Starbucks every single day asking for money for the homeless all day long.  He has a table and an old water jug and a fake sign, and rain or shine, hot or cold he has the same spiel “Feed the homeless, even a penny will help!”

He’s relatively well dressed and is generally in good spirits so I can only assume there are enough tourists in times square to make decent money, but I just don’t get it. 

Isn’t he EXHAUSTED from all that standing and all that begging?? And it’s freezing out there!  A real job just sounds like so much less work and way more money.

Then again, it is time’s square.  He’s probably pulling in 100K a year…tax free.   

Rollin' with the Homies

Okay, so the year of the rabbit didn’t start off as well as expected.  The photography exhibit was fun, although this boy I went on a few dates with this summer was there (who I am convinced has Aspergers) and I smiled and waved at him from across the room because I’m an adult and that’s what adults do when they see someone they know and he turned his head and ignored me.  At first I thought that maybe he didn’t see me, so a little later I gave him another smile and nothing.  Not even a tiny glimmer of recognition crossed his face despite the fact that he was looking directly at me.

Then, oddly, the next morning he sent me an email saying “I hope you had a good time at the exhibit, sorry I didn’t get a chance to say hello, you guys left pretty early.”  Seriously.  The only explanation is Aspergers.  This is the same guy I went on four dates with, and on those four dates he barely made eye contact and never actually physically touched me.  Ever.  Four dates was three dates too many.  No, four dates were four too many.

Then the sort-of-cute guy that was supposed to show up and hang out and go to dinner with us showed up late, having already eaten dinner and didn’t express any interest in me or going to dinner so that was the end of that.

Year of the rabbit is not looking like it’s going to the year of The Romance.  But it is starting to look like THE YEAR OF THE GROUP SKATE!

Despite the ridiculous lines, and the venue running out of skate rentals, Saturday night’s Down and Dirty Disco Derby was AMAZING.  Being on skates again reminded me of something very very important.  I ROCK ON SKATES.  And if my skates hadn’t been two sizes too big, I would have done some serious tricked out tricks.  But they were two sizes too big so i had to settle for less tricked out tricks--like majorly awesome dance moves.

The best part of the night, however, was the fact that people would stop me and ask me to take a picture of them because I had my big pseudo-professional camera around my neck.  People just assumed I was the official party photographer and why on earth would I destroy that fun little fantasy?  So I took photos of tons of people in elaborate costumes and told them to check out the party website for photos later in the week.

Sometimes you just have to get in character and then run skate with it.

New Years, New Beginnings

Today marks the first day of “the year of the RABBIT” and I for one am relieved.

The western New Year wasn’t exactly joyous or fun for me, nor did it feel like I was starting the new year off right.  Then the month of January continued to slowly destroy my soul one snowy, icy day at a time.  But I am hopeful that not all is lost.  I think it’s time to shed western tradition and replace it with the Chinese New Year.  I mean, they’ve been around a lot longer, so maybe they know what they’re talking about.

Plus this gives me a second chance to start the year off right.

So what am I doing exactly in order to ensure that I’m starting the new year off right?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  I will be leaving work early to grab a drink with my friend, then we will be attending an art exhibit where we will be met by some other friends and a cute boy that seems interested in hanging out with me, followed by dinner.  Okay so it’s not a roller skating disco party, but it’s a big effort for a mid-week cold and bitter evening in Manhattan. 

But how to look cute and sexy in the middle of winter post-ice storm?  After trying on many different outfits, I resolved to just suck it up and continue to look like a homeless person with my big puffy jacket, un-matching hat and scarf, and 3 million layers.  I did draw the line at rain boots.  I am wearing my grown-up boots today.  My very slippery, useless-against-the cold, purely decorative grown-up boots.

And will probably slip and fall on the ice and break my arm in a vain attempt to look like a not-homeless person vaguely resembling a female.

Who Wears Short Shorts?

 

What comes to mind when you read the following sentences:

Dress code:

Guys: Knee High Tube Socks, Neon Tanktops, Headbands, Wristbands, ‘Fros and Flattops…

Ladies: Thighs of Steel on Two Inch Wheels, with Striped Short Shorts to seal the deal

That’s right, it’s “Down and Derby Roller Disco” time! 

Everyone knows how I’m always complaining about the lack of roller rinks left in the world, well, today something wonderful happened.  Today I discovered that this Saturday, for one night only, this club in Hell’s Kitchen is turning into the coolest little roller rink in town.  Okay, so it’s the only roller rink in town, but still…HOW GREAT IS THIS NEWS!?

BRING ON THE STORM OF THE CENTURY, come rain or shine, snow or sleet, we’re going skating.  We’re going DISCO SKATING.

I only have one teeny-tiny problem with this whole event, and it’s called “Striped Short Shorts”.  That’s just not happening.

Part 2: The South Continued

The second half of my trip was all about NASCAR.  Despite the fact that I am the most inappropriate person to go interview people about cars, I got really really excited when I stepped into the studios.

Unlike many of the people working on the set of our pilot shoot, these people were on top of their game.  6 editing suites, 4 sound studios, and a surprising number of normal, beautiful, intelligent women making things happen—who knew?  I’ll admit it, I thought I’d be dealing with a bunch of redneck hicks who spoke in car lingo, but I was totally surprised.  This studio rivaled any I’ve seen in LA or New York AND the people were NICE.  Actually, people were nice everywhere you went!  Imagine that?

So I started to analyze =the difference between a New York attitude and Southern hospitality.  New Yorkers are generally considered to be “mean” and “unfriendly” which I didn’t really understand until now.  New Yorkers aren’t actually mean and unfriendly, we’re simply more efficient.  If someone asks us for directions, we will respond very directly, “go 3 blocks that way, then make a left and the building will be on your right,” and then continue on our way.  No thanks needed.

In the South, when you ask someone for directions it turns into a conversation that somehow will involve anyone within a 500 foot radius.

For example, at the airport I spotted a Delta employee and went up to him and said, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the cabs are, and do you know if they take credit cards?”  Simple request, right?  Wrong. 

Suddenly, I’m surrounded by 5 very bored Delta terminal employees who have 5 very different answers.  Finally, one of the Delta employees asked me where I was headed, so I told him the name of my hotel and he actually said, “Girl, I’m headed that way, I’ll just drop you off.”  I’m not quite sure what my face looked like at this point, but I know I had to pick my jaw up off the floor so I could respond with, “But…but I don’t know you?”  Then I felt a hand on my shoulder--I turned and looked up into a very large black woman’s very pretty face.  She gave me a very comforting smile and said, “Honey, I know him, and he’s just fine!  Why waste your money, he’ll give you a ride.” 

Really?  Was I really expected to get into a car with a strange man from the Charlotte, North Carolina airport?  And what’s with all the touching?

So I said, “Oh, thank you so much, but my company pays for it anyway, but thank you.”

Finally, I managed to get away from them, went straight to the cab station, and got right into a strange man’s car and paid him $50 to take me to my hotel.  

PART 1: THE SOUTH

I am back from Charlotte and boy do I have stories to tell…but where to begin??  NASCAR?  The food?  The men?  The Southern hospitality?  The abandoned Phillip Morris factory?  So so much to talk about but I’ll discuss one thing at a time and I will start with the abandoned Phillip Morris Factory.

Now, you may not know this (I sure didn’t) but Charlotte, North Carolina is quite the little production center!  My company is shooting a pilot there and I had absolutely no idea there was a thriving TV/film community there.  Actually, I had no idea there even was a TV/film community there at all.  But I guess since NASCAR is headquartered there I shouldn’t be surprised.  Did you also know that parts of DELIVERANCE were filmed there?  Neither did I.

However, there seemed to only be one real sound stage to film in, so our little pilot shot in many real locations rather than a fake set.  One of those locations will give me nightmares for the next ten years.

The old abandoned Phillip Morris Factory.  2.2 MILLION square feet of cancer.  And that’s just in the main building. 

Apparently, when the factory was up and running employees were allowed to have a pack of cigarettes on them at all times, but only one pack.  Which they got free as a perk for working there.  But if they carried more than one pack, this was considered stealing.  Also…you could smoke on the job, anytime, anywhere. 

I wonder what kind of health plan they offered?

So we set up shop for the day at the factory, but as with any production there was plenty of down time.  So I decided to give myself a little tour, and my production assistant decided to follow me.  Actually, he decided he was going to follow me everywhere I went all day long.  Baby-Face is 21 and doesn’t look a day older than 12, weighs about 80 pounds, has some attempt at growing facial hair going on, and also happens to be the grandson of my sound guy.  I can’t really blame grandpa for giving this kid a job, but grandpa needs to put some fire under this kids butt--I’ve never seen anyone move SO SLOWLY.

Anyway, I couldn’t very well tell the kid to go away, so we went for a walk in some of the creepier sections of the factory.  This is when Baby-Face decides to ASK ME OUT.  “So…I have to ask…do you have a boyfriend?”  I turned and looked at him, mouth hanging open, “uhhhh…yes…yes, I have a boyfriend.”  Total lie.  “Oh…cause…well…I mean, if that doesn’t work out…I mean, how serious is it?”

FLOORED.  I was floored.  So I said, “You know I’m 37 right?”  His turn to be floored.  “I thought you were like 25!”  Ahhh, kids.  25 to him is OLD.  He recovered quickly and said “Well, that don’t matter to me, you’re really beautiful.”  Wow.  Why can’t grown men talk like that?  I said the only thing you can say in a situation like that, “Wow, I’m soooo flattered, that was a real ego boost, thank you.”

We continued on our little walk and I did my best to not make him feel awkward or rejected.  Finally we circle back to the rest of our crew.  I corner my line producer immediately and say, “you are NOT going to believe what just happened” and relayed the school-boy crush story to her…to which she responds, “You know he lives with his girlfriend, right?”

Of course he does.   

Gettin' All Country Up In Harrrr

Like I said in an earlier post, most of the time my job doesn’t suck, however, sometimes it sucks a lot.  I am headed to Charlotte, NC this weekend to interview a bunch of dudes about NASCAR.

If you know anything about me you would know that although I know how to drive a car (barely), I’ve never actually owned one.  I’m so oblivious to car brands that every time I rent a car, I lose it in the parking lot, or worse, I describe the car to the valet as, “I think it was white…with 4 doors.  Maybe.”

And like most people who live in NYC and LA, I have no real idea what the hell NASCAR even is.  But of course I have some preconceived notions that I will share with you now:

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #1: NASCAR is about a bunch of dudes riding around in circles for hours and hours without any purpose.

REALITY: Yes, this is true.  It’s a bunch of dudes, and sometimes a girl that looks like a dude (except this GIRL) that drive around in circles for hours and hours…except there does seem to be a purpose.  They win money.

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #2: No one actually watches NASCAR.

REALITY: It is the MOST WATCHED spectator sport in the United States!!

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #3: NASCAR fans are a bunch of trashy white dudes who sit around drinking beer and eating BBQ ribs while getting inappropriately excited about cars going around and around in circles for hours and hours. 

REALITY: NASCAR fans are 40% women!  And there are even 3 or 4 Hispanic and African-Americans that may show up once in a while.  And although, yes, some of the fans are less than desirable, most are kind of normal.  As normal as someone who has the patience to watch cars drive around and around in circles for hours and hours can be.

PRECONCEIVED NOTION #4: NASCAR guys are NOT appealing.

REALITY: There are some seriously hot dudes involved in this sport!   

So I’m going to get my Yankee Ass down to Charlotte and I’m going to flirt my little heart out with some cute NASCAR drivers.  If my office is dumb enough to send an idiot like me to NASCAR, well then you better believe I’m going to make the most out of that once in a lifetime experience.

The Truth About Comedians

Most of the time my job doesn’t suck.  As far as jobs go, I’m pretty lucky, and it’s a good one and it sends me all over the place and I interview various levels of celebrities.  Mostly b-list celebrities, but every once in a while I get a good one…like Rob Lowe who definitely did NOT suck, and Harrison Ford who sucked so bad.

Anyway, I flew out to LA yesterday (ahhh, the weather, so civilized!) and headed straight to a taping my company is doing of a bunch of famous comedians “hanging out and having a conversation” which is supposed to be funny.  There were a ton of familiar faces there like Kathy Griffith (where does that woman NOT show up, seriously??), Dave Attell, and Janeane Garofalo just to name a few. 

Now, if you went to college in the 90’s like I did, you may have an affinity for Janeane as she represented that whole grunge thing we were all doing at the time in a very cool way.  SHE was cool.  SHE was my hero.  SHE was different from the other girls.

Well…she is pretty much exactly the same, right down to her fashion sense.  Except for some odd reason I no longer find her incredible lack of enthusiasm charming, as a matter of fact, it was just plain draining.  Does this mean I’m OLD??  Does this mean that my teen-angst is completely gone, and I no longer hate “the man”?  Is it so wrong that I like “shiny, happy people”? 

The one highlight from last night is that I met Dave Foley, and if you know anything about anything 90’s, you would know that Kids in the Hall was basically the best thing on television that entire decade.  So I went right up to him and told him so.  And turns out, you don’t have to be a miserable, dark, awful person to be a funny comedian—you can be totally awesome, and happy and upbeat!  I found the unicorn of comedy!  Oh wait…he’s Canadian.  That explains it.

If I Had the Chance I'd Ask the World to Dance

There are few things in this world that are more awesome than bowling.  One of those things is bowling to 80’s music.  Oh yes, I know, you think you’re immune.  It’s overdone, that 80’s theme, and you’re over it…yet…when the music comes on, you can’t help but sing along because you know every single word to every single song. 

THIS IS YOUR TIME. YOUR TIME, DOWN HERE.  Okay, okay, I’m getting a little carried away.  But only a little.

Last night I headed over to good old Williamsburg, Brooklyn to the best bowling ally in the city, and it was 80’s night. The night started out perfectly, they not only played 80’s music, but they played the old music video that went with it.  Mostly this involved Axl Rose screaming “welcome to the jungle” two inches from the camera and Men At Work singing about vegemite sandwiches, but glorious nonetheless.  During one perfect moment while The Final Countdown was playing, I bowled a strike that was timed PERFECTLY with the music, my friends cheered, I ran back to them victorious, my friend lifted me up on his shoulders, the crowd went WILD!  Then we took turns performing 80’s movie dance montages.  After that someone broke out some salt-n-papa dance moves (and by someone, I mean me).  And then after that…they turned off the videos and some incredibly bizarre wedding band/80’s cover band got on the stage and mutilated a prince song.

It was as if someone dragged a needle across a record.  Everyone stopped.  Everyone stared.  Everyone looked around…noticed the almost empty dance floor with disco lights flying across it.  Wait.  Are WE in an 80’s movie right now?  And did this place just turn into a roller rink??  But as with anything, the more you drink, the better it gets, and boy, did it get good.

I was transported back in time to 8^th grade.  And it was perfect.

And just in case you’re thinking, “hey, isn’t this blog about weight loss?”—is there any better way to lose weight than to bowl and dance to 80’s music?  Yes, probably, but is it more fun?  No, definitely not.

One Man's Garbage Is Another Man's....

Anyone who has lived in New York has mixed feelings about snow.  At first you are SO EXCITED for something other than cold.  And a blizzard, well, that’s some serious excitement.  Turns out it was two feet’s worth of excitement and it completely SHUT DOWN this wonderful city of ours.

I always find it fascinating when the flow of the city is so dramatically interrupted, because inevitably there are those unlucky few who refuse to believe this is actually happening.  Like cab drivers and the desperate few who are brave enough to get in them. 

And I love love love that I don’t own a car.  Of course in the summer, I am viciously jealous of these people, but hey, today…it’s my day. 

But the most interesting part about snow and New York City is that almost immediately the beautiful blanket of white snow turns into a disgusting slushy mess and they stop picking up the garbage.  A week later, temperatures rose to 50 degrees, the snow melted, and what remains are mountains and mountains of garbage. 

And today, a young Mr. Vangelis “Angelo” Kapatos attempted to jump 9 stories from his rent-controlled apartment to his death…and instead landed in a pile of garbage and was saved.

Garbage 1: Suicide Attempt 0